I’m Not Sorry

A wise family friend once told me to stop saying “sorry” all the time. That got me thinking about just what I’m apologizing for when I say this overused word.

I see people saying “sorry” every day, and it’s not just saying sorry when we bump into people by mistake or step on their feet. I see people using the word when they give their opinion about a topic and then feel they need to qualify that opinion with the word sorry.

We are taught from an early age to express our feelings and say what we’re thinking. As we grow into adults, passing through schools, sports leagues, and then into our business and professional life, apologizing for our opinions and thoughts reflects how cautious we’ve become in navigating personal and professional relationships. How many times have you found yourself starting a sentence with “I’m sorry?” To a guest at my hotel, “I’m sorry, but is there a problem with your room?” To my boss, “I’m sorry, should I have handled that differently?” You could have just said, “Should I have handled the situation differently?”

Saying “I’m sorry” puts you on the defensive side. At work, saying it too often can actually lead your boss to make the assumption that you’re unsure of what it is you’re doing. If my boss asks why I did something a particular way, shouldn’t my response be to answer that question and not start with an apology? Don’t assume that just because your boss asks you a question, that what you did is automatically wrong. No!

I’ve also noticed that women will apologize when they become emotional in front of someone. In my experience, people who apologize for crying in front of me makes it seem like I can’t handle their emotions, and well, that bothers me to a certain extent. “I’m sorry I’m upset,” just isn’t necessary. We’re all human. Yes, we can say sorry when we bump into a stranger at the store, but when it comes down to doing our best at work, speaking our mind, especially when we’re asked to, or showing our emotions, let’s not say that word. It’s overused, and just a habit that we’ve created in our society.

I have the habit of saying sorry. That being said, ever since my family friend told me to stop saying sorry, I’ve been more aware of when I use the word and naturally don’t use it as frequently. That, my friend, is a beautiful thing.

Oh, and don’t get me started with “you know.” No, I don’t know, so tell me.

   I ain’t sorry, honey! 


Leave Your Mark on The Ice

Writing about a professional ice skater is something I’ve never thought I’d do before, but then again, it’s easy to write about something that is so meaningful to me, not to mention absolutely beautiful.

I’ve watched many ice skaters on television and online, but nobody can compare to Yulia Lipnitskaya, a young Russian Olympian. The very first time I watched Yulia, I wondered aloud on how a 15-year-old could be so graceful and poised in her presentation. She is, by no means, the best ice skater in the world, but what captured my attention the most is the age at which she performs flawlessly and without much effort. Simply put, Yulia slides across the ice just like water runs down a water fall; silky smooth.

The Schindler’s List soundtrack is one of the most beautiful soundtracks I have ever heard, and then to put a sensational ice skater in the picture simply makes the whole package mesmerizing. In my opinion, Yulia is one of those rare phenomenons who can capture the attention of a large number of people in seconds. Her body moves fluidly with the music. In other words, during a high note, she will either jump or twirl. During a low note, she’d flair her arms gracefully or bend her body. I will never forget the feeling I had during the first note of her performance. She slowly pushed away with her hand, as if she were pushing away from an invisible wall. And as she did, I cracked a smile. After the third or fourth jump, she puts her hands together in a butterfly position as she skates backwards, and please, do notice the music at that time. I am surprised that a 15-year-old would consider performing to this song. It’s not everyday you see a beautiful and talented young lady skating to one of the most recognizable and emotional soundtracks there is. I’m pretty sure her coach had a slight edge on which song she performs to, but in the end, it’s still a spectacular performance.

Another admirable quality that Yulia has is her uniqueness. During the times where she’s not twisting, jumping or bending, she’s doing something with her body to keep the flow of the music going. Like the times where she delicately moves her arms out to the side, it appears to me as if she’s welcoming her audience in. She connects well with the music.

There is another video of her skating to “Je T’aime,” by Lara Fabian. During the last segment of that performance, Yulia slides into a split and moves across the ice with such ease. To explain it here would result in nothing. It’s something that must be witnessed. All in all, Yulia is an incredibly talented phenomenon who has the ability to move people with her presence.

When I watch something inspiring, I become emotionally attached. I have always been that way and I genuinely hope that never goes away.  I will let you see for yourself. Enjoy!


Sochi 2014

Seeing Clearly

If someone asked you to look a stranger directly in the eye for three solid minutes, do you think you could do it?

Well, yesterday, I did just that.

I have been taking a mindfulness meditation class and it has been nothing short of inspiring.  Gina, our meditation instructor, is a peaceful person who is passionate about her craft and wants to share it with the world. This class is partially designed to challenge an innate spirit that lies within all of us and to deepen the meaning of why we were brought into this world. During this class, we have done a number of activities to calm the mind and body such as walking meditation and Yoga Nidra. There have been several activities throughout this eight-week course that have resonated with me, but there is one activity in particular that really struck a chord and I would like to share it with you.

As our class sat in silence, waiting for the next activity to arise, Gina quietly whispered, “Grab a partner and face each other.” Without hesitation, we did as we were told. I chose a partner that I had never met before. We introduced ourselves. I don’t recall my partners name, but he seemed nice. “Now, look at each other in the eye and don’t look away until I tell you to. If you feel the urge to laugh, laugh. If you feel the need to cry, then let the tears come,” she said with a gentle voice. My immediate reaction was discomfort and embarrassment. Thinking he would take the lead, I looked at him, struggling to keep a straight face. I was pre-occupied with what his thoughts were and if he felt, at all, awkward. Nonetheless, I knew I needed to focus. Gradually, my urge to smile faded. All of a sudden, a strange emotion abruptly came over me. I felt happy and sad at the same time. Perhaps I even choked back a few tears. As I gazed into his eyes, I saw a human being. I saw a generous man; a man who may have endured a lot of challenges in his lifetime. In my mind’s eye, I thought of him as a wise and gentle person. If I were to pass him on the street, I probably would have not given him two looks. Boom! Three minutes were up. 

Gina softly rang her yoga bells to get back our attention. As we faced her, the tension in the air slowly drifted away. We could all breathe again. We went around the room and shared our experiences with each other. Surprisingly, I raised my hand to speak first. I said, “I realize how infrequently I look at someone and really connect with that person. I’m often too distracted by my own thoughts to truly notice someone else.” I typically don’t like to share my experience first because I want to hear other insights before I share mine.  However, on this particular evening, I felt confident enough to share my experience first. I was eager. I felt alive, fueled by companionship.

So, how did this simple endeavour change me you ask?

Well, after this experience, I have started to make small efforts to say good morning as I pass people on the street, or to say hi to someone when they sit next to me on the subway. I have found that this helps with my inner self-confidence and makes me an, overall, happier person. Also, saying hello could really turn someone else’s day around. Most importantly, I realized that taking the time to truly see someone can be a positive force for good. And, I must say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

maddie 5

“And if your mind wanders a thousand times, gently and kindly bring it back a thousand times.” – Gina

A World Away From Home


Q: Do you think you will ever meet your birth parents?

     A: No.

Q: Do you think your birth parents might look like you?

    A: I want to believe so.

Q: Have you been back to Russia since your adoption?

    A: No.

Q: Do you want to go back to Russia?

    A: Yes.

These are some of the questions I typically get asked when I reveal to people that I was adopted. To be honest, I often forget that I was adopted. Well, I don’t actually “forget,” of course, but I don’t think about it as regularly as some adoptive children do. My parents never treated me any different than my brother. My adoptive parents, Susan and Ernie, are just as protective of me as they are my brother, who was not adopted. I have never, even for a fraction of a second, felt left out. Nor will I ever. My mom and dad raised me to the best of their ability and did one heck of a job. The beauty in my adoption is that I will always be able to say that I was adopted with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.

Meeting my birth parents was never a serious desire of mine. I choose the word serious because some adopted children constantly struggle with not knowing who their real parents are. They feel like they have been abandoned and left out of their ‘adoptive family.’ This colors their outlook on the world and can often lead to depression. They find themselves in inner turmoil wondering how and why their birth parents gave them up. I consider myself lucky because I do not feel this way. In fact, I feel extremely grateful and loved. I am a crucial part of my family and I understand that to the core of my being. Who knows where I would be if it weren’t for my adoption.

Although I can easily tolerate not knowing who my parents are, I am still inquisitive. As I grow older, I become increasingly curious about what my biological parents look like. Yes, I want to know about their physical features. I want to know how tall they are. I want to know if they have the same hair and eye color as me. I want to know if their personality is similar to mine or far removed. It may just be that the closest thing to knowing what my birth parents look like is comparing what I looked like when I was ten years old, to what I’ll look like when I’m fifty. It’s only in fleeting moments like this that I wonder what they look like and what kind of people they are. Now, this is the time in which I really begin to stretch my imagination. If I had to guess what my biological mother and father look like, this is what I would say: Mother: She’s 5’1 (I’m 5’3). She has light brown hair (I’m dirty blonde). She has hazel eyes (I have blue/green eyes). She is muscular (just like me). Father: He’s 5’7 and muscular. He has light blonde hair and brown eyes. See what I mean by stretching the imagination?

One troublesome matter that all adoptees have to come to terms with is not knowing about any health risks they may have inherited. When I go in for a physical and I have to fill out my parent’s health history, it’s then that I am reminded that I have no idea of my genetic makeup. Does heart disease run in my family? What about cancer or diabetes? I do my absolute best to eat as healthy as I can and exercise to ward off any inherited risks. That’s all we can ever really do, isn’t it? I have to be pro-active and set my mind straight. Worrying gets me nowhere and only increases whatever risks I may have.

The last question that I presented at the beginning of my post in the ‘FAQ section’ is one that I think about most frequently and that is – “Do you want to go back to Russia?” Yes, I do. When the time is right, I will go back. I’m curious about my “homeland” and what my reaction to it might be. Will I be happy? Will I be sad? Will I be frustrated? Who knows. But, I do know for sure that someday I will be able to answers these questions truthfully and with dignity. No matter what anyone says, I am certain that I am the luckiest girl to be able to live in a world where I am free – the beautiful and wonderful United States of America.

And a world away from home….I am not alone.

little maddie

 A wish was made that day.

Jackie Evancho

After four years of watching Jackie grow from the 10-year-old who captivated America, to the 15-year-old who continues to captivate America, I can’t help but wonder how she does it. After America’s Got Talent, Jackie’s career skyrocketed. She has performed for President and Mrs. Obama, for the Royal Japanese Family, and has sung with legends such as Barbra Streisand and Susan Boyle. Her golden voice has taken her all over the world. I’ve watched Jackie bloom in her career and she has done a remarkable job. It isn’t always easy being raised in the public eye at such a young age, but Jackie has definitely made it appear that way. With the support of her parents, she has managed to stay sane and is comfortable in her own skin, which is rare for someone her age. Now, a high school freshman, Jackie continues to pursue her dream of being a notable singer.

Like with any young successful person, some people are bound to be jealous. “Her voice is going to change when she’s older.”  “She’s going to become a diva.” “She is going to turn into Miley Cyrus.” As any other close follower would, I have questioned why anybody would want to put her down.

When I first heard Jackie sing, I instantly fell in love with her voice. Jackie has the ability to move people, multiple times her age, to tears. Because the depth of her emotion, she attracts adults more so than people her own age. Perhaps her choice of songs and her style are reasons why she appeals to adults. Here is an interesting concept that I am quite fascinated by.  I do not like opera. In fact, I’ve never liked opera. However, a lot of people mistake Jackie for an opera singer, but she is not. She is a classical crossover singer with an operatic voice.

Aside from the voice and her mature nature, Jackie has exceptional interviewing skills and a very broad vocabulary. Her parents have clearly taught her well. In an interview on NPR, Michelle Norris says to Jackie, “It is clear that you are in touch with what you’re singing.” Jackie’s response didn’t surprise me. “I’m kind of possessed by the music,” Jackie chuckles. I enjoy listening to Jackie’s interviews because she has something new and interesting to say each time. When I listen to her, sometimes I’ll pause and ask myself, “Wow, could I have formulated those words at her age?” If you think I envy Jackie, think again. I am a proud fan and I’m impressed with what she has done.

I’ve listened to Jackie in private for four years because I was criticized every time I mentioned her name. Neither my friends nor family wanted to share my enthusiasm. That being said, I no longer care what others think. So here I am, setting my own trend. I will never regret anything that puts a smile on my face. In fact, no one should. Jackie is a role model because she does what she loves and follows her heart. I will forever be grateful that I discovered her. If I could give Jackie advice, this is what I would say: Don’t give into peer pressure, be who you are and please, sail on silver girl. Maybe, just maybe, this is good advice for everyone.

Enjoy Jackie’s rendition of Ave Maria (Live)

An Oasis of Nature’s Beauty

Take a quiet walk with nature. It will nurture your mind, body and soul.

I’ve seen America. I’ve also seen Switzerland, Germany and France. I have found that I can hear, understand and feel nature no matter where I am. The beautiful aspect about nature is that it’s surrounding us. We can’t escape it, but we can choose to become friendly with it. Our time on this earth is limited and therefore, I believe we must become one with the very thing that is keeping us alive.

Nature is beautiful for many reasons, but what fascinates me most is the effortlessness it takes in order for me to feel. Feel happy. Feel calm. Feel beautiful. Feel free. It’s exhilarating to be able to look at the colors of the ocean, sky and grass and feel nothing but pure happiness. Without a shadow of a doubt, my imagination runs wild and I can be alone with my thoughts. I believe that nature enables us to be alone with our thoughts. Sunsets in particular, bring me much joy. I find it interesting that nature can naturally evoke emotion in a person. Sometimes, we are unaware when we feel touched by nature, but this fact is pleasing because of the ability it has to make us feel. Not being an emotional person, I find myself questioning why I feel this way when I am surrounded by beauty. Nonetheless, it’s a wonderful feeling. This is divine.

Natural. From a very young age, I have had a deep relationship with this word. If I had to come up with my own definition for this word, it would be “To effortlessly succeed.”

As the days go by, my appreciation for nature grows. I perceive nature as allowing us to be cognitive and intellectual, while becoming spiritually re-born. In other words, when we are in the midst of nature’s beauty, we notice and learn more about ourselves. As you are walking through the woods or swimming in a lake, you may notice how you are feeling (or not). Sometimes, it isn’t until after your journey in the woods that this feeling hits you. It can be refreshing. Thank you euphoria.

Switzerland’s beauty has had a lasting impact on me. The beauty of Switzerland will always stay with me. However, I no longer need to be enchanted by a place in order to see the value in it. I do my very best to understand a place for what it is, rather than what I want it to be. In doing so, it allows my spirit to be informed and affected. As I previously stated, nature is all around us and although it may not be the most beautiful sight, it’s still there.

The birds chirping, the wind howling, the thunder roaring and the rain falling are all signs of life. When I listen to birds in the morning, I instantly feel like I am in paradise. Lightning has always intrigued me. When I was younger, I would watch the lightning strike with curiosity, unaware of its significance. Most of us are probably sick of seeing the same scenery over and over again. However, you must look closely. You must look deeper into it, because there, you will find peace.

Beauty is in nature. Nature is today. Today is here.


A Shift in Perspective

“Nobody got where they are today by living for tomorrow” – Tom Wilson.

The above quote is one that I will vicariously live my life by for the remainder of my time here on this earth. Living in the present moment can be hard for many. School, work and social life can often consume your worries, no? I believe this to be rather normal. But, instead of saying “Nobody got where they are today by living for tomorrow,” how about we concentrate on saying “Focusing on today will get us where we want to be tomorrow.”

I have seen and experienced worriers. In fact, I am one. I have worked, consciously, to understand why I worry. Most often, I can’t come up with a definitive answer. But, when I do find an answer, it’s usually an original answer. “Did I do this right” or “I’m late” are the kind of daily worries that occupy most people. That being said, I no longer feel alone. “Wait, but, what if I want to feel alone?” I mused.  We would think it would be nice not to be alone in our worries. However, I don’t want to worry just because everyone else worries, right? I once heard the saying, “don’t let your mother’s worries become your worries.” I wholeheartedly agree with this statement and find this to be a very true accusation.

Swaying uncomfortably between the spheres of present and future, I find myself lost in the moment. Since recent revelations of self-awakening, my newfound appetite is to enjoy the present moment for what it is, rather than what I want it to be.

A few days ago, I went in for an interview at the Mystic Marriott, located in Mystic, CT. Before I arrived, I was nervous, but not as nervous as I had anticipated. This is due to the fact that I realized, in the moment, how I was feeling and thought to myself, “Is worrying going to do you any good? Worrying is not going to change reality, so stop it!” This was beauty beyond description because I could finally fight my nerves, and win. Nobody has control over the future, so why waste your energy on worrying? “A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.” – Anonymous.

As I rest my head on my hands, close my eyes and silently think about the thoughts that are racing through my mind, I suddenly realize that I would be much happier if I spent half my time living in the the moment. Most people think that worrying is pondering over what’s next, and for some, if there even is a next.  My question to you is this: How can we tell the difference between worrying and thinking? Unfortunately, I can only provide you with my answer.

When I am mulling my thoughts over, I smile because I am genuinely a happy person. Music takes me there often. On the other hand, when I am worried and/or stressed, I notice that I sigh a lot.  See the difference??

Being mindful about how you are feeling in the moment, can help you to naturally realize when you are on edge. Once you have trained your brain to think a new and improved way, your “no worries mindset” will automatically come into play. We can’t change the past, we can’t predict the future, we can only live each day to its fullest. This statement alone is a prescription for a happy life. While I will continue to worry, at least I have the knowledge on how to become mindful when I am worried. This “knowledge,” if you will, will guide me through the rest of my life.

I want to be forever happy. I never want to hear, even the softest whispers of jealousy, deep within my soul, at another’s happiness. So, let’s do the world and ourselves a favor. Concentrate on today, so tomorrow will lean towards a better future.